small things...

We're off

Megan, Emmett (hopefully Terry) and I are off to Harbor Country for the weekend.  Check it out here: http://www.harborcountry.org/imagegallery/  Those of you non-midwesterners who sometimes don't realize that there is lots of beauty around these parts might enjoy it!

We're going to spend the weekend with our parents best friends.  We'll walk through the woods to the beach, we'll drink beer on their porch and I'm sure we'll tell lots of stories bout my mom and pop.  I'm looking forward to it.  This week has been a strange blur and I'm thankful to have a point to the next few days.  Wish us safe driving and pleasant company.

with love, Erin

ps. this is my 20th post!  I wonder how long I'll keep this up....

Yesterday's mail

Included the following:

"Dear Friends

I was saddened to learn of the loss of your beloved mother, daughter, grandmother, sister and friend - Jan. ......(edited for length - don't want to give the whole letter away!)

I am deeply honored that such a remarkable person hailed from the great state of Illinois and believed so strongly in my ability to lead.  Please accept my deepest condolences for her passing,

Sincerely,

Barack Obama"

ahem. pretty sweet.  Mom would be proud and is possibly jealous of this development. Or even likelier - can now pull a few strings.

Mornings

For the past 11 years I have used mornings as a gauge for how I'm doing emotionally.  It's that first feeling that I go by.  Typically my first emotion is happy and comfortable.  The fact that I might not want to get out of bed isn't what I'm looking at, it's the feeling just before.  The "why" of why I don't want to get out of bed.  If I feel anxious or sad when first waking up and that's whats keeping me in bed, then that to me is a story unfolding.  In my thinking, as long as I don't wake up unhappy then I'm not so far down depression alley.  That first emotion is fairly pure, not weighed down by the world of thought  and outside input just yet. 

These days each morning has been different.  I've woken up nervous, content, sad, angry, happy, and peacefully.  My goal for the remainder of the day is to try to either maintain or turn around that emotion.  This morning I woke up feeling agitated.  That soon led to thoughts of how messy my apartment always is and a feeling of overwhelming irritation of whatever else I have left undone.  So today I'm going to try to take care of some of that irritation.  Pay some bills, CLEAN MY APARTMENT ugh. and whatever else I need to do so that I have the chance to wake up differently tomorrow.    Wish me well. 

articles

Have lots I want to say about the last week, but am not quite up for it yet.  But I wanted to share a couple of articles written about my mom recently the first was written a few weeks ago when my mom was interviewed at an event some good friends of hers participated in her honor. http://www.northbynorthwestern.com/2007/05/3650/nu-relay-for-life

The second is an obituary of sorts that the son of our parents best friends wrote and published in the Chicago Sun-Times.  For those of you who did not know my mom I think these both will tell you a little more about her.  http://www.suntimes.com/news/obituaries/434994,CST-NWS-xlough20.article

thanks and love,

erin

1944-2007

Mom passed away peacefully this morning.  I don't have a lot to say right now.  Am exhausted and overwhelmed.  I'm not sure whether I'll share the what happened over the past 2 days or not.  Am hoping calls have gotten around, but as some of you reading this are far away and i'm not up to the phone calling I wanted to let you know one way or another.

Thanks for the love

It's the weekend already??

Mom has been sleeping ALOT.  Megan tells people she's sleeping 80% of the day, I'd say maybe more.  This is the progression we were told about, that the sleeping would just continue to grow longer.  It's 7:30am on Saturday and I've just come to relieve our night person.  She said that mom didn't get up at all last night - so normally I would assume that would mean she'd wake up earlier today, but really there is no guarantee.  I'm tired this morning.

It takes me awhile each day to figure out exactly what day it is.  I think anytime you are out of a routine the passage of time becomes confusing b/c there is no longer any markers.  I woke up this morning and my confusion over what day it was made me anxious.  My mom has been increasingly confused, so my own confusion brought up complicated emotions. 

It's quiet in the house this morning.  Quiet INSIDE, outside there is a constant flow of traffic and bicyclists out for a Saturday ride.  If you have been to my mom's you know the corner.  For you others: my mom lives on a bend in the road.  This is the road that connects Evanston to Chicago and bends around a cemetary that separates Evanston from Chicago skimming the lake before landing in the city.  Because of the spectacular view of the lake it is a favorite route in and out of Evanston.  The traffic continues all night long.  I don't know where they are all headed...?

I don't have much of a point to this post this morning, but I did want to report that yesterday I bought Birkenstocks!  My friend Lisa, in from L.A. to see me/mom, came with.  I'd been wanting them again after a many year hiatus and had spent time looking around at other women's feet to see if people were still wearing Birk's.  They are!  I knew the ever-stylish Molly P. wears them, but I also know that Molly P. knows what devil sticks are, which is to say she and I might share a little leftover hippie-leaning-style-choices.  So I looked them all over and tried on a bunch - and bought some red ones!  then when I was walking up the 3 flights to my mom's I tripped and fell on my knees.  My sister who was sitting one more flight up called down, "Guess they haven't molded to your feet yet..."

  Welcome to my feet, birkie.

Peaceniks

I have some advice for you, my lovely friends.  Make peace, give forgiveness, apologize, accept forgiveness and do it now.  I am not one to hold many grudges.  I’ve done a lot of apologizing and forgiving all along the way.  But I’ve held on to a couple of old hurts probably for the same reasons anyone holds on to grudges:

• I felt I had the right to
• it made me feel superior in some way
• there is some level of martyrdom that I wanted
• it was just part of my history
• and because I didn’t realize the relief it would give me to let it go

This past week has brought up a couple of old hurts that I needed to make right.  It all comes back, okay?  Any pain you’ve held on to will find it’s way back up to the surface for you to deal with.  Wounds want to heal, it’s us that get in the way of the healing.  And in the end, the pain that you’ve been holding on to is your own damn fault.  That’s the beauty of it, it’s yours to decide what to do with.

So during the past 3 days I stepped out of the way of the healing process.  I just changed my mind about the pain.  I put my hand on my forehead and said “hallelujah, you are healed!” And I am. Because I want to be. 

Just remember that it doesn’t mean things go back to where they were when the pain began.  Healing changes the scenery.  When you cut your self the skin that heals the wound is new.  It’s the same for everything else.  I have done some healing and I’m walking around with some new skin. 

Gratz-a-lots

Just wanted to pop in and say that we've had a really rough couple of days.  Not for all the most apparant reasons...just really rough.  I'm having trouble sleeping (again) tonight and I got up to try to get some of this negative energy out of me.  After trying rather unsucessfully to get it out on paper I got on-line.

And I just wanted to say how good it makes me feel to come to this blog and see how many people 'have my back'.  This all can feel so lonely, but I can come here and see that my friends are out there.  And when I start to worry if i'm going to get through this, I remember that I have before due in no small part to the support of many of you.

So thank you. For then, for now and for later.

And thank goodness for days at the beach, little boys and surfboards.

huh?

Yesterday morning I was spending a quiet moment with my mom as I was helping her get out of bed.  We were talking a little bit here and there when I heard her mumble something...and our conversation continued like this:

me: "what?"

mom: mumblemumble

me: "what?"

mom: mumblemumble

me:"what?"

mom, eyes open now and head lifted, "I'M saying WHAT"

me: "oh. heh, heh."

mom: "we're like a couple of old grannies askin each other 'what' over and over."

All this to say, we're having some bad days and some good days.  Mom's been telling anyone  who will ask, that what she really wants is a margarita.  So we're having a margarita party with the Toomeys this evening.

update

I'm not sure how much I'll be updating over the next few days.  Mom's health seems to have taken a turn downward over the past couple of days.  Her hospice nurse said she has "days-to-weeks" left in her.  So who really knows what that means.  All I know is that her need for help has definitely increased.  We are there 24/7 with the help of our day caregiver and a couple of other people helping cover the nights.  I am feeling mostly okay, though exhausted as soon as I step outside my mom's place.  We have a few family members coming in over the next few days to spend some time with mom.  We are still talking and laughing and kissing cheeks, b/c that is our way.

Thank you to Leah and Chris for taking me out for a highly alcoholic milkshake last night.  It was just what I wanted and needed.

Lots of love, Erin