small things...

Time to start charging

Just wanted to pass on the good news that I passed my LCPC exam - got the letter yesterday.  So this means, among other things, that I can have a private practice...sweet.  I'm going to start billing for everything.

Progression

I think mom made her last trip out of the condo.  We had to go down to the hospital yesterday for a visit - that turned out to be somewhat unnecessary - and she had her worst time yet getting back up the stairs.  Our family friend who stays with her on Tuesday nights made the slow and arduous journey up with her and when she reached the top she said, "I don't think I'll be able to do that again.".  This was a milestone we've been anticipating.  It's a difficult one to pass.

Locked and loaded

The anger I feel in going through this process is, for me, the most difficult piece of grief.  Denial hasn’t been an issue, acceptance is a process I’ve been working on for months, bargaining does not last long, depression is present, but anger is easiest.  It’s the most difficult b/c it feels the most shameful and because it is hard to manage.  My anger shoots out in all directions rarely hitting a target.  Yesterday morning I felt a swell of anger when a woman slipped into a parking spot I wanted – not a parking spot I was waiting for – I just wanted it.  I yelled out “You bitch!” (from the safety of several yards and closed car windows). Then I pulled into the closest parking spot and made a mad dash to beat her to the entry to Starbucks b/c I was NOT going to let THAT lady get in front of ME – this was a FEUD!...not that she had any idea she was a part of it.    It didn’t make me feel any better, but it gave me a target for my anger. 

Tuesday night anyone who reads this blog nearly became a target for my anger.  I couldn’t fall asleep for several reasons:  exhaustion, worry, sorrow, separation-anxiety, fear…but what keep my brain buzzing was the anger.  I stayed up until midnight constructing a diatribe on how much I hate being asked “how are/is you/your mom?”  The post was angry, mean and would have hurt people’s feelings.  But it made me feel better to write it and was a way healthier way to get that anger out then it would have been to send into the blogosphere.

If you’re curious, however, the gist of it was this: It’s a heavily loaded question and often painful to answer.  My friend Vance said to me yesterday after first responding to my answer with a “Fuck.” was “I always know each time I call that the news is going to suck.” But he calls and he asks anyhow and I love him for it.  Many of you do, and I love you for it.  But I don’t always answer or respond and my aversion to answering that question is often the reason I avoid the phone. 

When asked about someone who is dying that question begins to feel less like “How is she?” and more like “How much closer is she today?” 

Maybe that distinction can help explain why that might feel painful.

What I understand is that the question is often perfunctory, but is also a way that people want to show that they love us and care about us.  So I will continue to answer the question because I love you and care about you and appreciate your caring, but want you to know it’s okay not to ask it. 

Lighten up already!

Oh how i miss you, Deep Thoughts!

If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny. - Jack Handey

Escape

Sarah and I went to see “Knocked Up” last night and let me tell you it was hi-LAR-ious. My sister and I switched shifts and she stayed with my mom last night while I had a night at home. I hadn’t thought much about going to see a movie as a form of “escape” but it really was. In the best and worst ways. In the best b/c it was great to spend time with one of my oldest and most treasured friends and because it felt good to have my mind in another world and to laugh so hard and well. In the worst b/c escapes like this are only temporary and the thoughts and feelings rush back in ways you don’t expect. I sat in the bathroom after the movie and as soon as I closed the stall door I felt the first wave of remembrance, guilt and sorrow (no one needs to tell me I don’t need to feel guilty – thanks in advance) and that subtle sense of sinking – not drowning, but sinking some. I didn’t tell Sarah I was experiencing all of this but somehow I know she was aware.

So I’m on the fence about this idea of escape. Maybe I need to reframe the concept (hi, I’m a therapist) so that the jolt back into reality isn’t so harsh. Maybe I am missing the practice of mindfulness. The feeling you are supposed to get from having “escaped” is one of relief and hopefully rejuvenation, but maybe that only comes with mindfulness. When you keep in your awareness what it is you are taking a break from maybe only then you are able to appreciate the relief. I’m not sure. Maybe escaping isn’t really what I’m looking for in the first place. We tend to “escape” from things that are binding and negative (Alcatraz, bad relationships, the kung fu grip, kidnappers!) right? And that’s not what I’m seeking or needing. Despite what you might assume, I don’t consider my family’s current situation negative or my role in it binding, for that matter. On the contrary, it’s the best it can be, given what it is. And I'm thankful for it.

I think I’m thinking too much about this.

Anyhow, that movie was really funny. You should maybe see it.