Why did I even decide to try this? The vegan-for-a-week-diet?
Two reasons really. The first is that I’ve been struggling with some digestive issues for the past 1.5 years and I would like it to go away, thank you very much. But the primary reason is that I’ve been trying random diets for years. YEARS. You see, I’m a serial dieter and diet-quitter. Every few months, sometimes every few weeks, I learn about a new diet and think to myself,
Well, maybe this one will work. Maybe if I eat in that strange and restricted way my body will heal itself. But I need to do it for the rest of my life because it has to be a lifestyle change and not a diet, of course. And look at all those success stories! This one must be it.
Then about 1/2 a day into it I’m hating life, hating the restrictions, daydreaming about the now forbidden foods and swearing off dieting forever. It, in itself, is a very very unhealthy cycle. I’ve read so many nutrition books, nutrition articles, diet blogs that they all sound the same now. They probably are all the same. The ARE all the same, aren’t they? sigh.
Geneen Roth in her book Women Food and God states that people generally fall into one of two groups when it comes to dieting. We are all either "Restrictors" or "Permitters"
"Restrictors believe in control. Of themselves, their food intake, their environments...deprivation is comforting because it provides a sense of control...they have convinced themselves that suffering is noble"
"Permitters find any kind of rules abhorrent. If they've ever lost weight on a diet, it was through wrenching, abject misery....they see no point in trying to control the uncontrollable and have decided it's best to be blurry and numb and join the party."
I am, without question, one of Roths's Permitters. This difficulty with rules applies to all areas of my life. I'm actually a pretty in-between-the-lines kind of person and I'm quite unlikely to break most rules - I just hate that they exist. I think this is why I've always hated Sunday nights and Monday mornings. I never hated work or school, I just hated that I HAD to go, that there was no other option. And this is why I "fail" at diets over and over and over again. Not only because I immediately resist any boundaries placed upon me and my food, but because in those moments I'm trying to be a "restrictor" and it just isn't who I am.
There was a brief few years of my life when I was not constantly thinking about my body– it’s size, shape, or how it felt in proximity to other people’s bodies. When I wasn't thinking about food constantly - what to eat, how much, when and in what order. During that time I was broke, naturally active as a result of being broke, living in colorado….young. My body naturally reached, what I now think is my bodies’ happy-weight. I didn’t diet, I ate whatever I wanted and could afford and I just didn’t think so much about it. I was so focused on the present and having fun and enjoying everything happening around me that dieting was not even on the to-do list. And my body reacted by righting itself.
Since that time I've grown more confused and less connected when it comes to food and my body. All the learning I've attempted to gain on the subject has only led me further away from myself and the truth of what I need.
I’d like this to be the part where I slam down my fist and shout, “Well this ends here!” But the truth is I’m feeling cautious. I am feeling compelled…pulled…inspired…called even, to change everything – but I am feeling cautious. I'm not sure how easy it will be to let go of the notion that there may be some perfect way to eat and live that will cure all that ails me and right my body again. I think now is the time to be kind to myself, not demanding. To be loving, not critical.
To whisper in my own ear, “I love you, girl... Now what are you really hungry for?”
xoxo
Erin
ps - what about you? Are you a Permitter? A Restrictor? or something else entirely?
