small things...

To bolt or not to bolt

Never underestimate the inclination to bolt – Pema Chodron

I was reminded of this quote on day 1 of the writers workshop I attended last week in Madison.  The following day would mark the first time I would share what I’ve been working on very privately with anyone other then a close friend/family member and I was feeling, oh just a wee bit, terrified.  Any time you write and decide to share it with others there is a sense of vulnerability that can be overwhelming.  I feel it even a little bit when I write here on this blog.  The difference is that you and I aren’t sitting across from one another at a table.  I’m not sitting here watching you read what I wrote.  Most of you never comment so I never actually hear what it is you think about what I wrote.  Writing on this blog, while also making me feel vulnerable, never makes me feel very nervous.

So it’s a different experience to sit in a writers' workshop.  And I was scared.

I’d already met some really great people, people I think may become good friends.  It was already fun to be a part of this workshop.  But I was scared.

And that first night I thought about bolting.  I thought, well I could just not come back tomorrow.  No harm done.  To the others in my workshop I could just be that weird girl who never came back.  They could think whatever they wanted to think b/c I’d be gone!  But where would I go?  I’d just go home.  And what would I do there? Probably a whole lot of nothing.  And that’s precisely why I signed up for this workshop.  I want to stop doing nothing. 

Taking risks is worth it, but Pema is right, the inclination to bolt is strong.  The trick is allowing the inclination to stay to grow just as strong.

And I’m learning that it’s not just ‘situations’ i might want to bolt from, but it’s also the act of trying to make my dreams come true.  Think about your own dreams.  How often do you find everything ELSE under the sun to do other than working on making a dream of yours come true?  How many excuses have you come up with for why you simply-cannot-do that-one-very-important-thing-that-might-make-a-huge-difference-in-your-life?  I think that’s bolting too.

No of course, sometimes bolting is the exact right thing to do.  Hello, strange man in dark alley.  By all means, RUN.

But you know what I mean.  You know that sometimes that desire to get the hell outta dodge is the first sign that you are in the exact place you are meant to be.  That rush of adrenaline?  I’m starting to learn that maybe it’s not fear, maybe that’s God/Buddha/Elvis saying,

 Hey girl – welcome to the party! You finally made it.

Writing in Mad-town

I’m spending a few days this week at the Write-by-The-Lake writer’s retreat in Madison, WI.  I’m aware what a luxury it is to get to do something like this and I’m doing my best to soak in as much as possible. 

Have you been to Madison? It’s lovely

At the end of the road from my hotel

I was a bit underprepared for this workshop, but I’m gaining inspiration by the moment.  It’s been fun to be around a bunch of hopeful writers – all with different levels of experience.  From me whose written about 10 pages of a ‘maybe’ novel – to a woman in my class who already has an agent and a completed manuscript. 

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.  Til then I’ll be writing…

Spring is (literally) getting on my nerves

This Sunday marks the beginning of 6 weeks of summer fun.  Over the course of the next 6 weeks I’ll attend a writer’s workshop and my high school reunion.  I’ll take a cross-country road trip with one of my besties to meet up with a some of my favorite ladies for a little college-reunion.  I’ll spend a couple weekends in one of my favorite spots on the planet - hanging on the beach sipping cold drinks.

I’m excited about all of it.  I’m hoping to document all of it too, so check back!

Leading up to this summer of fun has been a spring of anxiety.  No real stress to speak of so I’m sure the anxiety is

1. Hormonal
2. Self-triggered (worrying that you might feel anxious causes anxiety! rude.)
3. Low blood sugar related
4. Atmospherical?

I say that last one because over the course of the last week or so I’ve learned that a good number of people I know have been struggling with anxiety this spring.  Maybe it’s the weather is all I’m saying.

I have a lot of pretty successful coping tricks to deal with my anxiety (I’ve had anxiety off/on since high school – and that’s a long time, just ask my fellow reunioners next month!)  Deep breathing, cold compress, self-talk – sometimes a nap will do.  But it’s all a hassle.  A major hassle. 

Then yesterday, in the middle of the day, I think it passed.  I don’t know how to explain it.  All of a sudden I just felt…better.  Calm, happy, clear headed.  I felt no worry that I might feel anxious later. 

Maybe it’s the upcoming summer of fun, maybe it’s the b-complex vitamin I took yesterday morning, maybe it’s the weather.  I really don’t know for sure.  But I’m happy for it.