small things...

Restrictors and Permitters all the live long day

Why did I even decide to try this?  The vegan-for-a-week-diet?    

Two reasons really.  The first is that I’ve been struggling with some digestive issues for the past 1.5 years and I would like it to go away, thank you very much.  But the primary reason is that I’ve been trying random diets for years. YEARS.  You see, I’m a serial dieter and diet-quitter.  Every few months, sometimes every few weeks, I learn about a new diet and think to myself,

Well, maybe this one will work.  Maybe if I eat in that strange and restricted way my body will heal itself. But I need to do it for the rest of my life because it has to be a lifestyle change and not a diet, of course. And look at all those success stories! This one must be it.

Then about 1/2 a day into it I’m hating life, hating the restrictions, daydreaming about the now forbidden foods and swearing off dieting forever.  It, in itself, is a very very unhealthy cycle. I’ve read so many nutrition books, nutrition  articles, diet blogs that they all sound the same now.  They probably are all the same.  The ARE all the same, aren’t they? sigh.

Geneen Roth in her book Women Food and God states that people generally fall into one of two groups when it comes to dieting.  We are all either "Restrictors" or "Permitters"

"Restrictors believe in control.  Of themselves, their food intake, their environments...deprivation is comforting because it provides a sense of control...they have convinced themselves that suffering is noble"

"Permitters find any kind of rules abhorrent.  If they've ever lost weight on a diet, it was through wrenching, abject misery....they see no point in trying to control the uncontrollable and have decided it's best to be blurry and numb and join the party." 

I am, without question, one of Roths's Permitters.  This difficulty with rules applies to all areas of my life.  I'm actually a pretty in-between-the-lines kind of person and I'm quite unlikely to break most rules - I just hate that they exist.  I think this is why I've always hated Sunday nights and Monday mornings.  I never hated work or school, I just hated that I HAD to go, that there was no other option.  And this is why I "fail" at diets over and over and over again.  Not only because I immediately resist any boundaries placed upon me and my food, but because in those moments I'm trying to be a "restrictor" and it just isn't who I am.  

There was a brief few years of my life when I was not constantly thinking about my body– it’s size, shape, or how it felt in proximity to other people’s bodies.  When I wasn't thinking about food constantly - what to eat, how much, when and in what order.  During that time I was broke, naturally active as a result of being broke, living in colorado….young. My body naturally reached, what I now think is my bodies’ happy-weight.  I didn’t diet, I ate whatever I wanted and could afford and I just didn’t think so much about it. I was so focused on the present and having fun and enjoying everything happening around me that dieting was not even on the to-do list. And my body reacted by righting itself.

Since that time I've grown more confused and less connected when it comes to food and my body. All the learning I've attempted to gain on the subject has only led me further away from myself and the truth of what I need.

I’d like this to be the part where I slam down my fist and shout, “Well this ends here!” But the truth is I’m feeling cautious.  I am feeling compelled…pulled…inspired…called even, to change everything – but I am feeling cautious. I'm not sure how easy it will be to let go of the notion that there may be some perfect way to eat and live that will cure all that ails me and right my body again.  I think now is the time to be kind to myself, not demanding.  To be loving, not critical.

To whisper in my own ear, “I love you, girl... Now what are you really hungry for?”

xoxo

Erin

ps - what about you?  Are you a Permitter? A Restrictor?  or something else entirely?

 

Veganism, sunburns and barfing. not in that order

This past week I decided to try eating a vegan diet all week (no meat or dairy).  I was curious how I would feel after cutting out all animal products from my diet.  Maybe it was coincidence, but my week of vegan eating also included a terrible head cold that lasted 4 days and ended with the stomach flu.

You know how the last thing you ate before barfing takes on all the responsibility of barfing forevermore?  For some of us it might be a bad burrito, for others it’s tequila.  But you wake up once the nausea has passed swearing to god/buddha/elvis that you’ll never eat/drink that again!?!  I’m kinda doing that with the idea of veganism at the moment.

I know it wasn’t the cause of my cold or my flu (more likely the 30 or so college students I meet with every week) and I’m sure I’ll continue to eat loads of fruits and grains and veggies.  But in my desperate pleas to stop all the barfing I found myself promising I’d eat meat again.  (Which is kinda ridiculous because I totally cheated on my vegan diet and ate a hardboiled egg in my salad – I’m clearly no vegan)

Sunday, fittingly, was a day of rest, a day of renewed clarity and a day at the beach.  We here in the greater Chicagoland area enjoyed a rare glimpse into summer weather with a sunny 85 degree day.  It was heaven.  I shared it with my sister and friend Wynn and we talked about the summer and how good the sun felt (among other things).

I sat at the beach for 3 hours and left with quite a sunburn, but man did it feel good.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship to food and dieting and to my health.  I think I’m ready to do some writing about it here and I’m hoping some conversing with some of you about it through the comments or emails.  It isn’t easy, to be real open about this part of my life, but I think I’m ready to do it.

What I can talk about barfing, but I can’t talk about life?

:)

See you tomorrow.

xo